morality

kill me, fuck me, kill me and never let this dieing end. I want to live here in this moment of disposition. an everlasting no that will carry me forward with unerring consistency. No. No until it's last extreme. No until the word has lost it's weight.

lascivious finality

I tend my garden, it's the only thing I care about, I tried liking people but I don't, my relationships with them always end in violence I try to go out and have fun but as soon as I leave my house violence finds me, pressing me to engage, to look, to laugh to engage to push, to make the smallest gesture. to get up and take a piss.

so go away just go away I don't want anything all of you are ugly... so ugly so very fucking ugly I don't have words for it any more

I had a lot of other shit to say but I'm tired and kinda drunk so I'll just leave it at this:

you are smarter than any one else you know

after 40 odd years brian eno finally sells out

I went to pitchfork for the first time ever today. weird right? like I should have been on this shit a while ago but I guess I'm not that hip... I did spend the summer listening to pop radio... that and the same three songs by tom waits and the birthday party. Why are people still all about animal collective and arcade fire didn't all that shit happen like years ago? what the fuck is twee? it sounds really annoying. Am I too hip for pitchfork? and if so doesn't that totally mean that pop radio, tom waits and the birthday party are post hip? uber hip? meta hip?

am I just mocking hipsterrunoff.com?

"I hear people do a lot of heroin around here"

Chick at a Party: Your shirt is beautiful
Me: Thank you
(a few minutes of me being silent later)
Chick: Do you do a lot of heroin?
Me: Excuse me?

I guess my attitude was particularly heroinesque but really I was just tired and drunk and stoned. I don't remember much of the party after this and I was pretty dedicated to not doing so as evidenced by my dedication to smoking and drinking silently instead of talking to the girl I was sitting next to. To be fair to both of us, she does a lot of heroin and bitches about her girl friend a lot.

New York flashed by in a haze of pot smoke, a couple liters of vodka and the vain hope that by obliterating my obsessive thoughts I could cut loose, speak intelligently and take the party by storm. Epic fail. Now I'm writing a mediocre blog post about it where the most interesting part will be when I mention that I had to masturbate three times when I got home to relieve my frustration and save myself from what felt like immanent organ failure (don't ask).

see? wasn't that interesting and a little clever? I told Adam about it when I got back and he seemed genuinely concerned for my health which was nice, made me feel a little loved.

dear john, the only person who follows my updates so I assume it's you that I'm directing this towards, if this is juol I am not directing this at you but any way

dear john.
about two weeks ago you taught me in an indirect way what it feels like to be raped. No I should rephrase that. You taught about how one could be raped indirectly... that's truth, on a visceral level. I have had panic attacks every day since the I got a phone call that you were showing a video of you and I having very violent sex at first I chalked it up to drinking too much coffee but no you are a rapist, my emotional and sexual life has been fundamentally altered since I met you, since we had sex and since you flashed it around to every one. john you're a rapist, you know it and worse you like it, you like seeing yourself in that role but the sad fact is that you advertise this to people and every one knows you're going to end up dead some where without family who love you, without friends who care for you... I found a great image depicting a dead man, alone in the jungle AK lying useless, no more like ineffectually by his side. this is you john gorrow. you have done nothing for yourself, not ever, you are nobody and worse then delusional you have tried to injure a real live human being with your self hatred and neurosis.

You hate, you hate black people which is truly bizarre coming from any one living ANYWHERE and moreover you hate gay people generally and yourself most! You are really very sick. I remember that much about you, before I blacked out you went on and on about how shameful it was to be a homosexual and how dirty it was. that is what I remember about you, I remember you trying to impress me an jamie with nin, and failing and then you trying to impress with your garage band music. This is what I remember about you. I remember letting you into my house once and making you masturbate, you wanted to be "daddy" but I wouldn't even touch you let alone you touch me. you wanted to fuck but John, you will never have sex.

You aren't human enough.

an ideal conversation with my mother (a completely once sided conversation)

fuck off I am in constant pain