after 40 odd years brian eno finally sells out

I went to pitchfork for the first time ever today. weird right? like I should have been on this shit a while ago but I guess I'm not that hip... I did spend the summer listening to pop radio... that and the same three songs by tom waits and the birthday party. Why are people still all about animal collective and arcade fire didn't all that shit happen like years ago? what the fuck is twee? it sounds really annoying. Am I too hip for pitchfork? and if so doesn't that totally mean that pop radio, tom waits and the birthday party are post hip? uber hip? meta hip?

am I just mocking hipsterrunoff.com?

"I hear people do a lot of heroin around here"

Chick at a Party: Your shirt is beautiful
Me: Thank you
(a few minutes of me being silent later)
Chick: Do you do a lot of heroin?
Me: Excuse me?

I guess my attitude was particularly heroinesque but really I was just tired and drunk and stoned. I don't remember much of the party after this and I was pretty dedicated to not doing so as evidenced by my dedication to smoking and drinking silently instead of talking to the girl I was sitting next to. To be fair to both of us, she does a lot of heroin and bitches about her girl friend a lot.

New York flashed by in a haze of pot smoke, a couple liters of vodka and the vain hope that by obliterating my obsessive thoughts I could cut loose, speak intelligently and take the party by storm. Epic fail. Now I'm writing a mediocre blog post about it where the most interesting part will be when I mention that I had to masturbate three times when I got home to relieve my frustration and save myself from what felt like immanent organ failure (don't ask).

see? wasn't that interesting and a little clever? I told Adam about it when I got back and he seemed genuinely concerned for my health which was nice, made me feel a little loved.

dear john, the only person who follows my updates so I assume it's you that I'm directing this towards, if this is juol I am not directing this at you but any way

dear john.
about two weeks ago you taught me in an indirect way what it feels like to be raped. No I should rephrase that. You taught about how one could be raped indirectly... that's truth, on a visceral level. I have had panic attacks every day since the I got a phone call that you were showing a video of you and I having very violent sex at first I chalked it up to drinking too much coffee but no you are a rapist, my emotional and sexual life has been fundamentally altered since I met you, since we had sex and since you flashed it around to every one. john you're a rapist, you know it and worse you like it, you like seeing yourself in that role but the sad fact is that you advertise this to people and every one knows you're going to end up dead some where without family who love you, without friends who care for you... I found a great image depicting a dead man, alone in the jungle AK lying useless, no more like ineffectually by his side. this is you john gorrow. you have done nothing for yourself, not ever, you are nobody and worse then delusional you have tried to injure a real live human being with your self hatred and neurosis.

You hate, you hate black people which is truly bizarre coming from any one living ANYWHERE and moreover you hate gay people generally and yourself most! You are really very sick. I remember that much about you, before I blacked out you went on and on about how shameful it was to be a homosexual and how dirty it was. that is what I remember about you, I remember you trying to impress me an jamie with nin, and failing and then you trying to impress with your garage band music. This is what I remember about you. I remember letting you into my house once and making you masturbate, you wanted to be "daddy" but I wouldn't even touch you let alone you touch me. you wanted to fuck but John, you will never have sex.

You aren't human enough.

an ideal conversation with my mother (a completely once sided conversation)

fuck off I am in constant pain

in rainbows

Hes older, already dating some one. Younger, 19 not much of a looker, bit of a junky but the boy suits his needs. Sleeping and such a heavy sleep, a guiltless heavy unconscious. I hardly know this man but I've watched him wake up with the word "no" on his lips. That's a lie, I served as the intermediary for the no and my imagination ran away from me. That's part isn't interesting though, that was a drunken mess and I kept my distance. My drunken messes are more interesting less monomaniacal and either more or less melodramatic. But I'm blowing my own horn now when I should be talking about this man. 36 and a reformed hippy, NA, sober now but the boy drinks, the boy drugs himself, the boy was turned down as a dancer because he's too fat. his hair is too poorly taken care of. I'm trying to write without disdain, but I have such mixed emotions about this couple. Fascinating really, the sex is fascinating, their union is fascinating and completely neurotic. I wonder what it would be like for me to get with the older guy, he's kinda pretty. I wonder what it would be like for him, I wonder what it would mean for him to rid of that boy for me, older, smarter, better balanced. I wonder what it would mean for him to keep the boy and have me on the side.

I can't stop thinking about sex, the entire time that I'm writing this I swear I'm not thinking about them at all, just the people I have sex with and what it means to me.

I just got beat up by three jersey chicks. Or hate crimes waiting to happeb

for mouthing off and being a fag. in my mind it was mostly fer being a fagin their minds it was probably for mouting off and then throwing puncrs after I got decked but wtf all I said was fuck you fuck off when they denied me a cig. Im trying to give the facts of the matter as straight as I possibly can. I talked some shit but every one talks shit, I tried to fight back after I got knocked down maybe I called them bitches but seriously my face is fucked and I feel like this is a little more then a normal altercation especially when after they drive away the rest of the people outside come up to me with a genuine concern for my well being.

being gay in the alb sucks and every one knows it. Ny only recourse is to make sure there are always cops on that corner and any of my friends stay away from bogies for the next month where crack hicause not only is uptown due for a raid but that plave is gonna be hit hard. fuck all them I wanna walk home without fear. fuck them all straight edge or not that place is a haven of homophobes and I have never felt safe going by there.

I feel safer in the fucking ghetto then I do in my own neighborhood... whatever this is one time where crack house laws are going to work in my favor

How one falls in love with a tape worm and how one gets a tape worm in the first place

me and my tape worm are very close, he's such a great listener, I don't care if my tapeworm eats all of my food, wont get a job and keeps fucking up my house, he's so damned cute and he keeps me skinny, I love the pale and hollow glow of anemia, my tapeworm is my provider.

In my long and wondrous journey to the utopian state of health this is the state of mind I find most repulsive, the most deluded. The self hatred that should come with having a parasite I can look past. I find this metaphor particularly disturbing because for a long time I was having dreams about worms and there's one I still feel vividly. I'm not going to give an entire description but it suffices to say that in the dream I gave birth through my thigh to the father of my sickness.

dionysus gives traumatic birth to the seed of his own destruction by nicking the artery running along his left wrist, wrapping the head of his father around a wooden match coiling him. his foul offspring, the result of an incautious fling with the river spirits in the nile.

God fuck the bastards who took the imagery, metaphor and theater out of mental health. They are puritanical misanthropes with their heads stuck up the ass of science, their humanity constantly shat upon by reason.