in rainbows

Hes older, already dating some one. Younger, 19 not much of a looker, bit of a junky but the boy suits his needs. Sleeping and such a heavy sleep, a guiltless heavy unconscious. I hardly know this man but I've watched him wake up with the word "no" on his lips. That's a lie, I served as the intermediary for the no and my imagination ran away from me. That's part isn't interesting though, that was a drunken mess and I kept my distance. My drunken messes are more interesting less monomaniacal and either more or less melodramatic. But I'm blowing my own horn now when I should be talking about this man. 36 and a reformed hippy, NA, sober now but the boy drinks, the boy drugs himself, the boy was turned down as a dancer because he's too fat. his hair is too poorly taken care of. I'm trying to write without disdain, but I have such mixed emotions about this couple. Fascinating really, the sex is fascinating, their union is fascinating and completely neurotic. I wonder what it would be like for me to get with the older guy, he's kinda pretty. I wonder what it would be like for him, I wonder what it would mean for him to rid of that boy for me, older, smarter, better balanced. I wonder what it would mean for him to keep the boy and have me on the side.

I can't stop thinking about sex, the entire time that I'm writing this I swear I'm not thinking about them at all, just the people I have sex with and what it means to me.

I just got beat up by three jersey chicks. Or hate crimes waiting to happeb

for mouthing off and being a fag. in my mind it was mostly fer being a fagin their minds it was probably for mouting off and then throwing puncrs after I got decked but wtf all I said was fuck you fuck off when they denied me a cig. Im trying to give the facts of the matter as straight as I possibly can. I talked some shit but every one talks shit, I tried to fight back after I got knocked down maybe I called them bitches but seriously my face is fucked and I feel like this is a little more then a normal altercation especially when after they drive away the rest of the people outside come up to me with a genuine concern for my well being.

being gay in the alb sucks and every one knows it. Ny only recourse is to make sure there are always cops on that corner and any of my friends stay away from bogies for the next month where crack hicause not only is uptown due for a raid but that plave is gonna be hit hard. fuck all them I wanna walk home without fear. fuck them all straight edge or not that place is a haven of homophobes and I have never felt safe going by there.

I feel safer in the fucking ghetto then I do in my own neighborhood... whatever this is one time where crack house laws are going to work in my favor