in rainbows

Hes older, already dating some one. Younger, 19 not much of a looker, bit of a junky but the boy suits his needs. Sleeping and such a heavy sleep, a guiltless heavy unconscious. I hardly know this man but I've watched him wake up with the word "no" on his lips. That's a lie, I served as the intermediary for the no and my imagination ran away from me. That's part isn't interesting though, that was a drunken mess and I kept my distance. My drunken messes are more interesting less monomaniacal and either more or less melodramatic. But I'm blowing my own horn now when I should be talking about this man. 36 and a reformed hippy, NA, sober now but the boy drinks, the boy drugs himself, the boy was turned down as a dancer because he's too fat. his hair is too poorly taken care of. I'm trying to write without disdain, but I have such mixed emotions about this couple. Fascinating really, the sex is fascinating, their union is fascinating and completely neurotic. I wonder what it would be like for me to get with the older guy, he's kinda pretty. I wonder what it would be like for him, I wonder what it would mean for him to rid of that boy for me, older, smarter, better balanced. I wonder what it would mean for him to keep the boy and have me on the side.

I can't stop thinking about sex, the entire time that I'm writing this I swear I'm not thinking about them at all, just the people I have sex with and what it means to me.