dear john, the only person who follows my updates so I assume it's you that I'm directing this towards, if this is juol I am not directing this at you but any way
dear john.
about two weeks ago you taught me in an indirect way what it feels like to be raped. No I should rephrase that. You taught about how one could be raped indirectly... that's truth, on a visceral level. I have had panic attacks every day since the I got a phone call that you were showing a video of you and I having very violent sex at first I chalked it up to drinking too much coffee but no you are a rapist, my emotional and sexual life has been fundamentally altered since I met you, since we had sex and since you flashed it around to every one. john you're a rapist, you know it and worse you like it, you like seeing yourself in that role but the sad fact is that you advertise this to people and every one knows you're going to end up dead some where without family who love you, without friends who care for you... I found a great image depicting a dead man, alone in the jungle AK lying useless, no more like ineffectually by his side. this is you john gorrow. you have done nothing for yourself, not ever, you are nobody and worse then delusional you have tried to injure a real live human being with your self hatred and neurosis.
You hate, you hate black people which is truly bizarre coming from any one living ANYWHERE and moreover you hate gay people generally and yourself most! You are really very sick. I remember that much about you, before I blacked out you went on and on about how shameful it was to be a homosexual and how dirty it was. that is what I remember about you, I remember you trying to impress me an jamie with nin, and failing and then you trying to impress with your garage band music. This is what I remember about you. I remember letting you into my house once and making you masturbate, you wanted to be "daddy" but I wouldn't even touch you let alone you touch me. you wanted to fuck but John, you will never have sex.
You aren't human enough.
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nick-
ReplyDeletei'm so tangled in this mess right now that i cannot breathe, i cannot move. this is eye for an eye... public humiliation. thank you. for the three people who saw about 20 seconds of blurry, pixelated video on a 2 1/2 inch cell phone screen, i now have to deal with my entire extended family that are connected to me on facebook calling me screaming wanting to know about this alleged rape, on thanksgiving no less. my mother, my sisters, my friends, former co-workers, people i haven't talked to in years... everyone now thinks i'm a fucking rapist, calling me a fucking monster and just choking me to death. i will be branded with this for the rest of my life. eye for an eye. public humiliation. you succeeded. done.
what i did was sick and scumbaggedly.
but this public humiliation... whether or not i deserve it is debatable. in some twisted way this is either helping you deal with the situation or your getting pleasure from my misery, in any case i hope it helps because i truly did not want to cause you any fucking pain. i liked you, a lot. you were so fucking bohemian and you didn't care about anything and i just thought you were so remarkable and unique and different. but this doesn't really matter now. im so utterly afraid right now. i feel like running away. getting in my car and driving as far away from this place as possible. i wish i knew before how much pain i had caused you. i wish you had told me. i never meant for any of it. i don't think you will accept my apology but regardless im genuinely sorry nick. do or say anything you want if you feel it will help the situation. god im so sorry.